Monday, June 08, 2009


This is Melissa P. HomeValley, reporting live from Border’s book shop in South Portland, Maine. Our author is determined to do this and do this right, and by "right" she means pick a fad diet and go to town. Kidding! Sort of.

So I am here this eve doing “research”, jotting down notes and desperately trying not to purchase anymore books (HV: NO MORE BOOKS). I already have 747 books in my office/library that must be read this year, lest I die. And as J lamented last night in bed, “Read read read. All you do is read.” So I must read read read just to catch up, more so when I am away from my dear, dear husband.

I also must write write write, if I am ever going to be an actual author. Amidst the madness now, I will settle for updating this here blog, my baby, who is almost three years old (so big!). Sunrise, sunset, yadda yadda yadda, and here we go.
I took notes as I lounged in the coffee shop, which I appropriately labeled "diet crap". Here is what I found out so far:
The South Beach Diet: Dr. Agatston advocates 3 meals per day, 2 snacks, a "dessert" (quotes dripping with sarcasm), and lots of water. What he does not advocate during "phase 1": bread, rice, potatoes, pasta, baked goods, fruit, alcohol, candy, cookies, ice cream, sugar.
Doc swears I will lose 8 - 13 pounds over the first 2 weeks. Then, I should move into "phase 2", in which I slowly reintro carbs until I reach my goal weight (which I likely already reached during phase 1). That means into Phase 3, which, as I indicated in my notes, is: "rest of yo life, girl!" (Ever since I bought Vanessa a "Mahogany" birthday card - Girl, It's Your Birthday - I can't stop using "Girl". Bear with me.)
I jotted down some sample recipes from the book... And really, right now this sounds pretty good to me.
Next, I picked up Quantum Wellness by Kathy Freston. I skimmed through. VEGAN? Next.
I also took a look at Doctors Oz and Roizen's (never any Roizen love, O) YOU! On a Diet and it really was an assault on the senses. It was laden with cartoon drawings and was shouting at me with LARGE proclamations in bold. I skimmed the meal plans; they're very similar to the SB diet, so I quickly put the book aside. One new caveat here: no eating after 8:30 PM.
Lastly, I perused Jillian Michaels' Making the Cut. Jillian offers 7 rules one must follow to get jacked:
  1. Stick to your magic number, or BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate). I'll spare you the calculations, but apparently I need to imbibe 1429 calories a day. Strike one, Jill.
  2. Eat for your metabolic type. I'm a balanced oxidizer (based on a quiz) which means I need equal parts carbs, proteins, and fat. Sorry carbs - I think, for now, you are out.
  3. Eat every 4 hours. Yes please!
  4. No processed or junk food. This shall be the most challenging, but I love the idea of it. I am sick of feeling heavy, bloated, and full. I've long suspected that my body is not processing food effectively; I am sure cutting out anything processed will help. But is it possible? Are Sweettarts processed? Fuck.
  5. Beat the bloat. Less sodium, more water. Easy enough.
  6. NO BOOZE. Errr... Um. Okay. I think I can do this, especially because Jill (bless her heart) gave me a small window to cheat (only clear alcohol with no calorie mixer). This, to tell you the truth, may be the most challenging. Booze is part of my social and professional life. Oh, and remember this? Here's hoping my will power has improved since then.
  7. Write it down. Sorry about this, Internet. Just following orders.

So, I have decided to follow Jill's rules, with a hint of South Beach thrown in. This week I am eschewing breads, rices, pastas, etc., but I have allowed myself some fruit. I love me some fruit. Next week, I'll ween.

Oh - and high fructose corn syrup? Still the devil. As well as white flour and white sugar. Boo.


Nacho Mama said...

1. You look fantastic, but good for you in eating better and setting a goal to reach.
2. I get hounded about reading too much from my hubby, too.
3. Atkins got me super skinny, but I couldn't stay away from the carbs. I love them.
4. You are super funny.
5. So am I.
6. So is Beth.
7. I just cracked myself up. (ugh I hate ending a sentence with a prepositon).

Homevalley said...

Nacho Mama! I just died laughing.
1. Thank you.
2. Those boys should pick up a damn book once in a while, eh?
3. I thought about you and Dan with Atkins... at least with SB, you only detox for 2 weeks.
4. I learned it from watching you!
5. Funnier than...
6. Funny as well, but not commenting here so you win.
7. Preposition! Cringe.
8. What's with this bachelorette?
9. I'm here to find the person to spend the rest of my life with.
10. Fuck prepositions.

Grace said...

HAHAHAHA I can't even add value to these comments. They are like Chandler Bing's gum.

Well done, ladies.

Homevalley said...