Tuesday, January 20, 2009

"The Orientals cheat, you know."

I watched President Obama speak today from a small pub in a hotel in Pittsburgh. I was – as per usual – the lone liberal in a sea of conservatives, so there I sat, alone, breathing in the exquisite moment. Tears pricked my eyes as I listened to our pragmatic new Commander-in-Chief speak firmly about inclusion and equality, proclaiming that all nations are our friends. And Muslims? You are also our friends, and we will all learn to coincide in peace!

If you saw it, regardless of your politics, I don’t think you can deny the purity and grace of our new President’s message. My heart still soars for me, for you, and for all our future babies.

Of course, at the airport bar just now, a middle-aged Steeler fan remarked that he does not, in fact, gamble, at least not since “those damn Oriental women started dealin’ at all the tables.” They cheat, you know."

Yes, indeed, Mr. Obama, we have a ways to go. But we will succeed. Yes we can.

Monday, January 05, 2009

The Last Year of My Twenties. Let's get real.

A few weeks ago, as G and I browsed the stacks at Border's, I came across The Complete Idiot's Guide to Overcoming Procrastination.

"Well, look at this!" I announced, holding the book for G to see. "This is what I need!"

"Ha," she snorted. "I would put off reading that."

"Yeah, me too," I agreed. But I bought it anyway.

Now the missive sits next to me, dog-eared and highlighted, adorned with 15 post-it notes, all instructing me to declutter this and organize that. It's actually working! I've cleaned out my entire office (all of my work and personal files), and I feel positively lighter. My brain is being decluttered, and I feel like I am finally in control of my own destiny, as opposed to just hiding in Friends reruns, willing myself to feel inspired to write, to clean, to cook, to exercise. To live my life. I am doing it, and that's that.

So here it is, my 2009 Resolution list. It is considerably smaller than last year's. Drumroll please:

(Joy to the World!)
  1. I will finish what I start.
  2. I will write. And write. And write. And when I am spent? I will then write some more.
  3. I will become a more loving, caring wife, daughter, grand-daughter, sister, cousin, and friend. (See also: more timely "thank you" notes.)
  4. I will get into supreme physical shape via increased cardio, strength-training, yoga, and healthy eating. (Okay, okay, I know it's trite, but really, what do you have if you don't have your health? Besides, I am also very interested in wearing a bikini this year with zero misgivings. Sue me.)
  5. I will drink less. Lest I become haggardly elder lady. In my THIRTIES.

So that's that. And yeah. It'll happen this year. I feel it.

On a separate, unrelated note, the new Bachelor looks like George W. Bush. And he just said "amazing journey" twice. I bet this time, things'll work out.

Happy 2009! I am a rock star!

So it's 2009, and I have been MIA for many, many days. Miss me?

Well, I missed you. Terribly. And for the three of you who are interested, I still have a job! And I totally meant to blog about my adventures in securing said job. Let me just tell you, I had already written the post in my head. It was entitled: "And then I got my period." (I thought it sounded like a country song chorus, right?) And since you ask, US Air lost my bag. It took me 3 cabs to find a mall. I then got stranded at the mall in Columbia, SC. My luggage arrived the next day. Broken. My return flight was canceled. I had to drive to Charlotte. My face wash exploded in my bag. My flight was delayed. And then I got my period. No, really. It was so insulting. But all's well that end's well. The end.

And now I find myself in Orlando, Florida, at the start of a new year, and it is time to review last year's resolutions. Oh boy! This should be an exercise in futility! Let's see:

Become more clear-headed. - Sure.

Perhaps drink less alcohol. - Next.

Also, consider a mantra. - "Mmm. Wine."??

One Thing At A Time. - No, that's better.

Because honestly, we can't go on with our head so - cluttered. - Ahem. Better luck in 2009!

Meet Howie Mandel. - Haha! Yes! Did it, bitches!

Provide Internet photographic evidence of said meeting. Blam. What up!

Take the GMATs. - I'm a loser.

Take them again and really rock them. - No comment.

Apply to graduate school. - Well, at least I took a class. That's really something.

Actually go this time around. (Don't ask.) - Well, we'll actually go later this year, won't we, HV?

Be amazing future wife. Think special presents and thoughtful gestures, amongst, ahem, other things. - Now I am depressed. Although I did just gift J with a day at the shootin' range, something he has always wanted to do. But I also told my mom to get him a humidifier for Christmas (he needed it!). Yeah, those two cancel each other out.

Visit a California winery. - Check! Three down!

Develop exquisite physique for July nuptials. - Meh. Not exquisite, but serviceable.

Avoid burritos. - Switched to burrito bowls. I am giving myself this one.

Watch less television. - F you, resolution list.

Finish Anna Karenina. - No. And I am taking this off the '09 list. Come on, Tolstoy. Throw me a bone.

Even though Lisa Turtle gave away the ending trying to impress that snobbish intellectual she had a crush on in that one episode.

Reduce call-screening by 50%. - If I'm being honest... No.

Call Grandmom more. - I'm a jerk.

Give more compliments. - I will give myself this one. You are so pretty.

But make sure they are sincere. - Well, you are somewhat attractive.

Stop DVRing Sex and the City on TBS. - Yes! Your puns are silenced forever, Bradshaw.

Stop worrying so much. - Sort of.

Consider another mantra for this. - "Don't worry. Be happy."

More. Yoga. - Nice work! Until after the wedding. Lazy.

Get published. - Yeppers! One article down, 894090 to go.

To this end, definitely drink less and cut out bad TV. - Look alive, HomeValley!

Post more. - I'm an asshole.

Become a friend of the blogosphere. Delurk. - Meh.

Floss. - Nope.

Organize office. - We did it!

Maintain organized workspace. - Good luck with this.

Send "thank you" cards. - Did it!

Visit Africa. - March 2009.

See the pyramids in Egypt. - Soon enough, my precious.

Go on a safari. - Not this year. Not next.

Quell road rage. - Ehhh.

Get promoted. - Or move laterally! Good for you, though.

These are stupid:

Become a better networker.
Volunteer at least three days this year.
Become a student of theology.
Pick a religion that works.
Stop offending Jesus.
Become spiritual person.
Quit complaining.
Gossip less.

Finally get belly-button ring removed, because honestly. You got that thing at 18 on South Street. Time to let go.
- Change of heart about this one. Stay young.

Develop solid wedding song playlist. - Well, I think all who attended can agree. I rocked this.

Avoid most wedding cliches. - Yep.

Share your success in these quests with the Internet. - You're welcome, Internet.

And also those damn Istanbul pictures already. - Merhaba, friends.

So, was it a successful year? Meh. Probably not, resolutionary-speaking. But I will remain steadfast this year. I've discovered a newfound zest for organization, dedication, and a little something I like to call: finish what you start, you silly blog-mistress. That's what 2009 is about. And I swear, I am going to do it.

Happy New Year, y'all.