Tuesday, July 24, 2007

New Domain Name?


First, a heartfelt thanks to each and everyone of you who has either totally not mentioned the Thing That Shall Not Be Named to me, or who has contacted me with a recommendation to call this travel agent or that person who just had a destination wedding. Am grateful. Very, very grateful.

Maybe we don't call it a "wedding" anymore? Maybe we call it a super-fun party. Yes, Super-Fun Party. That takes a bit of the edge off.

Sunday night, I hugged J tightly and whispered in his ear, "Babe, do you think we could elope?"

"Sure," he replied.

"No, no. Really. Would you elope?" I pressed.

He thinks for a moment. "No. I couldn't do it. I'd want my parents and friends there."

Humph. I love you all, but, um, I probably could. No worries. Super-Fun Party is on.

Moving on...

Last week I asked J to print out a post I had written some time ago. I thought that I may have stumbled onto magazine feature gold with it. (I have since changed my mind. Writers.) Within the context of that same email, I mentioned that I'd like to start printing out this blog, so that we could save it. In my own mind, I reasoned that printing this text would allow me to remember my twenties vividly. HomeValley Jr. could then also experience my twenties vividly, and marvel at Mama's clever positioning of the "f" word in most entries.

J. I bounced out of my office to greet him when he came home from work on Friday, and plopped down on the couch.

And noticed a crisp new binder of prose on the coffee table, entitled, "Mullets, M. Gellman, and Mergatroid, Oh My!" Subtitled: "Queens is the New Manhattan: The Sophisticated Diary of a Young Woman in Her Twenties."

Wait! He included the "reviewers" quotes on the cover, like:

"Crude yet classy; raunchy yet adorable..." - J-Money, The Chronicle

"Definitely the next big thing with a clever writing style that challenges anyone not to laugh!" - J, Author of Pick the Next Big Thing

"It's impossible not to love this girl!" - Larry, Future Husband

It was fucking hilarious and beautiful and I laughed uproariously through my tears.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Greetings from the Windy City!

Except not.

Many thanks, US Airways. As always, you are as reliable as my ability to remember to water the damn plants in this house (i.e., not very).

Friday, July 13, 2007

Holy Shit! Heavens to Mergatroid!

Reason Number 734789 why weddings are evil: Both J and I completely forgot that this week marked our second anniversary. What. The. Fuck. Weddings! I will destroy you!

So because I am such an asshat and forgot all about our special day (and you will also hear from me when you get home today, J), I will have to post what I wrote for J on our last anniversary. Slightly edited (you don't get the really good stuff, Internet!)

My Dearest J, Larry, Orlandi, J-Mix Master Money:

One idle Friday morning, about a year ago, I was relaxing in my 3rd Avenue office, trying to invent ways to pass the time until happy hour. While browsing through my Hotmail contacts, I stumbled across your email address and was overpowered by an urge to say hello.

Now, an innocuous email has seemingly altered the course of my life; has changed it for the better in more ways than I can possibly count. Today, it is difficult to imagine my life before J-Money.

I am upping the ante on your 50 reasons, and I will now divulge 100 reasons why I think you are the greatest thing since Kelly Clarkson:

1. You are always patient with me, like when I accidentally break all the glasses in the apartment and you have to clean up the glass and then tend to my wounds with Band-aids and Neosporin.
3. You always keep your word. That’s amazingly rare.
4. You inspire me to keep my word.
5. You are cute when you “admire” your work.
6. You are unfailingly selfless.
8. You listen to me, even when I go on about books/roaches/mice/people/reality TV shows/Kelly Clarkson.
9. You have integrity.
10.You follow the rules on planes explicitly.
11.You always ask “How are you?” and I always believe you are actually interested to hear.
12.You work hard.
13.You are self-confident.
14.You buy me flowers for no reason.
15.You grin and bear when I order expensive martinis.
16.You want to see the world.
17.You will take me along with you.
18.You put up with my hypochondriac tendencies.
20.You love your family.
21.You always try to do the right thing.
22.You help your friends with their houses.
23.You help me with cleaning and organizing.
24.You encourage me.
25.You are responsible.
26.You want to have babies, and unfortunately our son will probably be named “Amani.”
27.I can rest assured that Violet and Amani are getting the best father on the planet.
28.You realize I am stubborn and independent, and you let me be that way often.
29.You tell me the truth.
30.I know you will always be faithful to me, even if you are an incessant dream-cheater.
31.You make time for all of the people in your life.
32.You always make sure we make plans together.
34.You know how to do everything.
35.I get to teach you the big words.
36.You are teaching me to be more sensitive, which can’t hurt.
37.You watch chick flicks with me.
38.You buy me ice cream.
39.You leave the Cheerios and bowl out for me.
40.You lock the door when you leave and I am sleeping.
41.You make my lunch.
42.You let me cry.
43.A hug from you can make it better.
44.You made Greece and Paris (edited in 2007 to say: and Thailand and Cambodia and Colorado and North Wildwood) the most amazing adventure.
45.You love me even when I am cranky.
47.You support me always.
48.You know that we need to discuss problems when they come up, even if I am reluctant. This means we have no lingering resentments. What is better than that?
49.We want the same kind of wedding. (Edited in 2007 to say: WEDDINGS! I WILL KILL YOU!)
50.It makes me incredibly happy to make you laugh.
51.You are absolutely gorgeous and perfect the way that you are.
52.We hold hands all the time.
55.You always assure me I am the most beautiful woman in the room.
56.I always feel like the most beautiful woman in the room when I am with you.
57.You are incredibly chivalrous.
58.You went and told my ex about us. It must have been terribly difficult and uncomfortable, yet you did it and you didn’t complain about it and you got through it. All to be with me.
59.You know what you like and what you don’t like immediately. You’ve got convictions.
60.You think many of my annoying habits are “cute.” (For now!) (Edited in 2007 to say: Yeah. Um, not so much. Anymore.)
61.We can act like kids together.
62.We can act like adults together.
63.Your family is wonderful and I feel completely at home with them.
64.You had Nana make me a blanket!
65.You always tell me you love me.
66.You respect me.
67.You respect my opinions.
68.We watch the Eagles together in our jerseys.
69.You are passionate.
70.Your heart has grown many sizes since we got together.
71.You are not afraid to have difficult conversations with people.
72.You are a true gentleman.
73.Even if you fart a lot on poor, unsuspecting bar patrons.
74.You love the beer garden! So do I.
75.You deal with me being a little jealous every now and then.
76.I can count on you. For anything.
77.We are buddies.
78.We are partners. You treat me as such.
79.Together, we form an unstoppable force of knowledge about all kinds of subjects.
80.We both kinda suck at math. And that’s okay.
81.You are good at your job.
82.You are good at everything.
83.People come to you for advice.
84.I never have to doubt how you feel about me. You are always reminding me in sweet ways.
85.Sinking into bed with you for a nap is the most beautiful feeling.
86.You rub my head sometimes when I have a bad dream.
87.You sing or whistle in the mornings.
88.You are not afraid to admit when you are wrong.
89.You apologize.
90.You tell me that I need to do both more often, and you are probably right.
91.You know how much my brother means to me, and you want to have him over for a weekend.
92.You think Bucky is humorous.
93.You understand why Churd is amazing.
94.You often ask “What can I do for you?” You always try to make me comfortable.
95.The massages. They are heavenly.
96.You really are a dreamboat. I did win the prize.
97.You have a picture of me on your desk. It makes me happy to know that.
98.You take the time to look me in the eyes and tell me you love me.
99.You will put up with my friends and even like some of them.
100. This list was unbelievably easy to write, and I am sure I could go on to 1000.

J, you really are a rock star.

Love Always,

Your HomeValley

Internet, you are free to go vomit now.

The Extent of the Crazy

Have just decided that I will no longer speak of this wedding to anyone, save J. So if you see me, and you dare inquire, "So, how are the wedding plans coming? Have you picked a place yet?"

I will grin maniacally and say only: "I'm right on top of that, Rose!"

Then I will back away from you slowly, still grinning.

Carry on.

So Tired

A long, long time ago, before I was betrothed, Grace and I met the creator of this website at the Beer Garden. He is/was a struggling stand-up comedian (though it looks like he is warming up audiences at The View now, so that's uh, really something).

He made an off-color Terry Schiavo quip early in our conversation, which was most decidedly not funny, but prompted Grace and I to refer to him only as "Schiavo" and shudder at the memory of his joke.

I digress. He was quite proud of his anti-wedding website creation, and he had many one-liners to assert his singular claim that nuptials, plainly, suck.

My point here? "Schiavo" got it right. I hate weddings. They are Giant Looming Purveyors Of Stress And Strife. And They Must Be Stopped.

*Shakes fist; looks up at sky*

That is all.


Thursday, July 12, 2007

It's Official: I Am Not Pregnant.

I realize I have been a bit cryptic lately, but allow me to assure you: this new "project" I am working on? It's not HomeValley II. It was never even remotely HomeValley II. But I certainly appreciate the influx of emails and comments and inquiries I received about the picture of J and me* (read: 3).

(And when I am pregnant in two to three years, you guys will be the first to know. Maybe even before J. Seriously - wouldn't it be hilarious to snap a picture of myself in, I don't know, a tee-shirt that read "MILF" or something, and then post it here and send the link to J at work? I imagine the post would be entitled: "Get 'er Done!")


I know Grace's fears were assuaged last night at happy hour in Center City, when I slammed a dirty martini (although, that was mostly just olive juice, wasn't it? Conspiracy???)

But probably not, as I went sentimental like Koos last night when I announced to Grace and Marie** that the first day of high school, as we were introducing ourselves in class after class, I had decided that I would most definitely become friends with Grace and Marie**. And lo! Thirteen years later, we are sharing drinks at Oceannaire. Foresight is a beautiful thing.

* Actually, just a photo of J and me at Hotel Keti in Santorini, Greece. That will make sense soon. Mwah ha ha!
** Name has been changed to protect the innocent.

Monday, July 09, 2007


Working on a new project, which will be revealed in due time. Hey, did you want to hear what J and I did this weekend?
  • Acquired bikes, thanks to my most generous Uncle in rural Pennsylvania. They are only on loan, but since bikes are so G.D. expensive, it is a benevolent gift bestowed upon my ravaged, potentially-thousands-of-dollars-over-our-wedding-budget soul.
  • Packed a backpack with water and requisite granola bars (physical exercise makes me famished) and rode like the wind down Kelly Drive, around the Art Museum, and back on the Drive Formerly Known As West River. Did not hit one biker, but was passed. A lot. I tried not to take that too personally.
  • Watched The Bourne Identity (fabulous) and The Da Vinci Code (again). Each featured tension-laden car chases through the Parisian streets. Yearned for a stay at Hotel Regina and croissants. Someday...
  • Saw a children's swim meet. Thought possibly I should take up the sport. Ate hot dogs and fries as I mulled this over on a blanket in the grass.
  • Booked a last minute flight to Chicago for next Tuesday. Just because I had a free ticket that expires on July 24; and I have never been to Chicago. Imagined myself singing in a parade and taking in a game at Wrigley Field; perhaps traveling to the top of the Sears Tower and meeting the Sausage King of Chicago. Wait...
  • Finished watching the first season of House. My crush on Hugh Laurie continues to intensify. Also, medical school? A viable option for me?
  • Finished this book (alright, I finished it last weekend. But it was so brilliant, so heart-wrenching, I thought you should give it a try).
  • Started this book, just because I find the Fifties riveting. This makes me a huge geek. I am alright with that.
  • Cleaned. Really! J says we can get a cat as soon as I vacuum the house every day for a year. This will never, ever happen. But once-a-week is definitely a step in the right direction.

This will make sense soon.