Monday, August 30, 2010

BAB Project: Week 10 - SAB. O. TAGE.

There is nothing like feeling fancy about your weight-loss and then promptly eating a floppity-jillion calories in a week, all: Look at me! I can lose weight! I should probably polish off this Nutella and then have a date night with J in which I consume THREE alcoholic beverages and garlic bread and fried green tomatoes and pasta with seafood in a rich pesto sauce and espresso and almond cheesecake! I am sure this will help the pounds melt off!

Ugh. I want to bitch-slap myself.

On Monday, I weighed 153.2. If you are playinga along at home, that's a one-pound gain. This morning I weighed in at 151.6, but then after breakfast weighed 152.8 (damn you, Honey Nut Cheerios). So, in summary: still chubby. This week was a wash.

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship to food these days. Why do I eat more than I need? Why do I crave sugar? It struck me that food is one of the only remaining pleasures I have these days... that is, something just for me. I can't really drink much; even if I am dumping my milk, you can't be hammered when you're responsible for a tiny nugget. I can't flit off to the bookstore and luxuriate in the stacks for endless hours. I can't hop on a flight to Colorado, just because. I can't blare the radio in my car; when H and I roll about town, we're typically listening to the sound of a vaccuum on blast. I can't even just pop out to the mailbox anymore. Popping out - when J is at work - requires very careful planning around naptimes and nursing.

So what can I do? In the evenings, when H is sound asleep - gearing up to wake FOUR TIMES A NIGHT BUT THAT IS ANOTHER POST CHRIST ALMIGHTY - I can eat. I can smother Nutella on everything. I can polish off my trail mix and my strawberries and my dried mango slices, and then head back to the fridge for some frozen, chocolate-covered coconut milk bars.

It strikes me that this relationship has surreptitiously crossed into unhealthy terrain. Suddenly, food is like a no-good ex-flame, only texting me for late-night booty calls. It's really time to re-read my copy of He's Just Not That Into You and pump the brakes on this harmful new habit. Ya dig?

My mother came over on Monday afternoon, just returned from a three-week vacation in Florida. "You look good, Melis," she said to me, and my mother doesn't say anything she does not mean. "You've lost weight."

"I haven't," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'm still 15 pounds away from where I started, which isn't even my ideal weight."

"Well, I never got back to my pre-pregnancy weight after having you."


"Noooooooooooo," I moan. "I won't allow myself to not get back."

And the REAL work begins.

Half-marathon training began this week. Lord have mercy. I also tried the 30-Day Shred, which I found surprisingly easy. (Anyone can handle 3 minutes of abs, right?) I'm also trying to get out and walk with Hendrik as much as possible.

Determination, thy name is HomeValley.


*claire* said...

sorry you're having trouble :( but honestly, compared to other baby-mommas i've known, you're doing great!! i know that is an annoying thing to say, since what really matters is how you feel...

and you crack me up. i'm losing weight just by laughing at your posts :)

i hear you tho - i have ZERO willpower, especially if i am home alone and have no one but myself to rationalize too. i have to just not buy anything sweet or chocolate at all - or it will get devoured. :( sad but true.
and ohmygosh i love nutella. have never purchased it myself, because i know it would be a disaster.

Homevalley said...

Thanks, Claire! I forgot to add that my mom went on to say: "This is why you don't gain 45 pounds during pregnancy." Thanks, Mom. That helps.

DO NOT BUY NUTELLA! It is the devil in its most delicious form. Have you seen the commercials for it where they try to say it is healthy for kids? Riggghhttt.

In This Style said...

I have to admit...I don't like your BAB posts. I feel for you, but I've always been taught that looking at the scale isn't an accurate way to measure your HEALTH. What you want to focus on is feeling healthy, feeling good about your body. The more time you spend obsessing over the scale the less time you will have to focus on nourishing your body. Don't worry about the pounds; you are a beautiful mama & I'll bet everyone can see that. Focus on your health & eating things that give you energy & put you in a good mood. Your weight will adjust back to where it needs to be when you eat for your health & stop worrying about your looks.

Those are my two cents. You're too good of a writer to waste time on blogs about chubb.

Homevalley said...

Oh, ITS, I get that. I just thought about this for a few minutes while trying to get H to nap upstairs, and what I know is this: I feel good at a certain weight. My clothes fit at a certain weight. I need to feel good about my body again. It's who I am. I'm also incapable of letting myself off the hook here. I lost my job; my child is up every 2 hours in the night... I need something I can control and feel good about. So the BAB will soldier on... with maybe a little less negative self-talk.

Appreciate the feedback.

Allie said...

I think you are hot....

I am not a fan of the scale, and you weigh yourself more then once a day!? cut it down to once a week, sista! Seriously, if you are nit picking over every ounce, how can you feel good about yourself? just eat right and get down and break a sweat. I feel like after pregnancy, everything changes, so you might never be the exact weight you want to be, but you can feel good. The scale is just full of scary numbers. i would step off and just do the weigh ins every so often.