Tuesday, September 08, 2009

You Big Dummy

Last night, J and I didn't sleep.

Well, we did okay until about 3:30, when a spaceship landed in front of our house, crushing whole cars and blaring sirens, warning the Earthlings of imminent doom. (Or maybe it was a really loud truck? Like it matters?)

For the life of me, I couldn't fall back to sleep; so at 5 AM, I crept downstairs and put on a Friends DVD (spoiler alert: Rachel has a baby and names her Emma). Predictably, I went unconscious at 5:50, ten minutes before I had to wake up. I heard J in the shower at 6, and so I struggled to the bathroom to lament our ill fortune. "I feel awwwwhhhhhhhfffulllll," I moaned. "This is just terrible! How can we pooossssiiibblllyyy function?!?"


Function we did, though, and on the drive home from Harrisburg, sipping a sugar-free grande cappuccino, I felt positively productive. Work had gone exceptionally well, and I was cheerfully listening to Good to Great on CD, making mental notes of all the ways I will take the business world by storm, when -


I realized with a start - as you do - that I had forgotten my laptop. In stupid Harrisburg. And tomorrow AM, I am airbound for Pittsburgh. Stupid alien spaceship, ruining my precious beauty sleep!

Plans were rearranged, and now your dummy Blogmistress must drive to Pitt tomorrow AM, stopping in the State Capitol to pick up my cruddy Dell. Boo.

In other news, J and I went to Grandpop's for a family bbq on Sunday. I wanted to write a witty, Sedaris-esque post about it, but lo: it is 6:08 and I have to run 3.5 miles and study for 2 hours if I am ever going to TAKE THE MOTHERHUMPING GMATS ALREADY, God. So here are the Cliff Notes:
  • Have you ever pulled up to your childhood home, basking in that feeling of nostalgia and calm, only to happen upon your nextdoor neighbor snapping pictures of your stepfather - arms raised in triumph, pants around ankles, clad in an American flag speedo, wearing a boat captain's hat? No? So that's just me then.
  • Has your mother ever invited the town miscreants (aka old high school friends) to a family picnic, and by way of defending her decision, she exclaims, "Well, he called me and asked if he could come! What was I supposed to say? Then he called me back and told me he was bipolar and self-medicates with alcohol! What would you have done?" Um, anyone?
  • Has your cousin's new make-up artist boyfriend, upon being asked if you could pull off red hair with your complexion, replied: "Sure, as long as you don't get tan. You've got fair Norweigen skin. And nice-colored lips." Beat. "You're going to have to do something about this though." *draws air circles around your chin, with its expertly-covered batch of fresh hormone pimples*?

Until we meet again, you big dummies.


Anonymous said...

You are not dying your hair red.
- Allie

Grace said...

PC Flashback: The Stepfather doing one-handed push ups and then inadvertently mooning the entire resort. Now there's a story for V and H.

I think I dropped my Sammy Sosa in hysterics.

Anonymous said...

How about this one: "See that hole over there? sometimes i like to...." Yes, he finished the sentence.

Best day drinking performance: Stepdad.


Grace said...


Mountain Momma said...

My sister once forgot her passport at her house in Southern California when we were leaving for Mexico the next day from Reno. We have never stopped enjoying giving her shit about it.

Homevalley said...

OK, not dying - highlighting! Why is everyone so anti? Gina asked me if I thought I was Tori Spelling?

Oh, Gracie... "inadvertently"? Trust me, it was all very "vertent".

And Mountain Momma, I can totally relate to your sis. This is why I am not allowed to hold the passports. Ever.