Dear Wedding Coordinator at an unnamed resort in Jamaica,
Thank you for your instantaneous, copied and pasted response to my wedding inquiry. I very much appreciate your detailed instructions on how to navigate your wedding website. Now, I think I am ready to book my wedding online! Here is my credit card number, expiration date, and security code. Forget the receipt or an agreed upon fee; I trust that you will take a fair amount for the initial deposit. You, Automated Response, have really put my soul at ease during this day-long process.
I am very much looking forward to receiving that email from "someone" on your staff one month before the wedding date to discuss decorations, flowers, the ceremony, the restaurant, the number of guests, etc. It will be wonderful to have all of the details worked out four entire weeks before my eighty guests are due to arrive. Oh hell, Automated Response, why not just surprise my future husband and me with your plans? We trust your judgment. My only request is that you make a tape deck available for my walk down the aisle; it has been my dream since I was a wee little girl to have a canned version of Canon in D played as I prepared to vow my eternal devotion to my beloved. But you already knew that, didn't you? It's like you are inside my mind.
I am putting the e-Vite together as we speak, dear friend.
P.S. Go fuck yourself.