Wednesday, December 16, 2009

17 Weeks. Seriously, My Back Really Hurts You Guys.

Wait a minute; what happened to 16 weeks?

16th week recap: For two consecutive blissful nights, I didn't wake up at 2 AM to pee. The end.

17 weeks? Yes, still with the peeing. And my back is killing me. But I won't bore you with my grievances. Nay, I shall tell you that I had a doc's appointment this week, and Ninja is still glorious. Heart rate is about 155, though the N was very squirmy. The doctor found the heartbeat right away, but then she'd lose it. "The baby is really moving around in there," she said. "You hear that noise?" she asked, referring to a strange, muted, underwatery, sounding motion. (Amazing description! You should be a writer!) "That's a hand or foot moving through the amniotic fluid."

Well, go Ninja, with your stealth kung fu. Bad. Ass. (Or maybe he is a dancer, J!)

(Oh, I said he. I have to stop that, but honestly, I am convinced I am cooking a boy.)

OK, so the ten of you (and my new son or daughter) don't really want to hear about all of this, do you? I mean babies are adorable and chubby and snuggly, but still, I have something BETTER. Oh my. Something, insanely delicious. Are you ready?

You must know that J and I journeyed to my mother's for some eats on Sunday. My stepfather, Bucky (not a pseudonym) mentioned he was cleaning out the basement. "I have a bunch of your stuff down there," he added. "I'm going to throw it out if you don't go through it."

(As if! They have been threatening me like this for ten years.)

But later, Buck came upstairs carrying a ginormous box filled with mother-effing TREASURES.

Where to begin? There were sketches. Sketches of my EIGHT future kids. (Judd says: Oh HAHA! "Victoria Leslie" was born in 2002. Loser.) And there names were awesome and regal. And then I also maybe sketched their rooms. And then maybe some fabulous designer fashions. And maybe I wrote a song entitled "Nice and Naughty." Oh, oh yes I did.

Verse 1
Some say I 'm nice
Some say I'm naughty
Some say I'm perfect
Some say I oughta be PUT AWAY

Verse 2
Some say they like me!
Some say they don't
Some say they'll learn to
Some say they won't

OHH! Someday I'll just be me! But for now I'll settle for nice and naughty!
(nice-nice-nice-nice and naughty! HOO!)

(I was going to stop there, but the song actually has one more verse which is just too good not to share.)

Verse 3
Some say they love me
Some say they hate me!
Some say they'll be my boyfriend!
Some say they'll date me!


You guys? I was like 17 when I wrote this.

Okay, I kid. I was 11. Back in the days when I was just content to settle for nice and naughty, man.

(David Foster: Call me!)

Oh em gee - there were also all kinds of stories! "The Grandmother's Secret" and "Snow" and "A Mysterious Disappearance."

There was a newspaper, the cover of which bears the headline: "Michael Jackson's Split Personality!" That story?

Michael Jackson, a popular musical singer, and former member of the Jackson 5, was admitted to the psychiatric ward of Newberry Hospital today after it was found by millions of Japanese fans that he does, in fact, have a split personality - a sister, Janet.

It appears that after a long period of loneliness Michael created the woman we know as Janet Jackson. She was also made a star.

"He came out on stage and scared the fans by changing his voice back and forth," says fan Ching Heng.

"We were shocked at Michael's mental instability," says Janet.

"No we weren't, says Michael.

(The Onion: Call me!)

There was a stirring poem:

Stubborn and sweet,
Messy and neat.
Funny, crazy,
Sometimes lazy.
Addicted to junk food,
Usually in a good mood.

(Judd says: Oh HAHAHA! Nothing has changed at ALL! At least you were always self-aware.)

(Present-day HomeValley says: Wow. That description is on point. Shit.)

Oh hey, Cuzzy?? Did you think you escaped my biting commentary?

Here is your poem, my love:

Tough; boy-crazy,
sometimes lazy.
Messy, messy, messy!
Always beats up on Jessie.
Usually has a smile on,
Will always be in love with John.

(Who is John, 9 year-old cuzzy?)
(Wait, I just remembered. HA!)

Oh, and amongst various entrepreneurial start-ups (read: The Babysitter's Club), I also found the time to publish a magazine. I give you: Girls, Etc.

October 1992 Cover

Time to Grow Up: Should You Make Your Own Decisions?

Preteen Problems: Junior High Blues

Peer Pressure: How to Deal

Test: Boys Before Books (Are you boy-crazy?)

Joining the Bandwagon: What's In and Out for Fall

(For the love of GOD Oprah: CALL ME!)

I think one thing we've all re-learned today, is that I am awesome. Or, that at one time, I was incredibly creative. It is a damn good thing blogging came about, lest I still be sitting in my room, listening to my Electric Youth album, composing songs about how people say they either hate me, or might possibly LEARN to LIKE me.

I take the GMATs tomorrow, kids. After that, it's on.


Anonymous said...

You should get Brittany Spears to sing "Nice & Naughty".


Allie said...

LOL! I was just going to write that, J, it totally sounds like something Brit would do! I think you should send it to her.

Anonymous said...

Hi !.
might , perhaps curious to know how one can collect a huge starting capital .
There is no initial capital needed You may begin earning with as small sum of money as 20-100 dollars.

AimTrust is what you thought of all the time
The firm incorporates an offshore structure with advanced asset management technologies in production and delivery of pipes for oil and gas.

It is based in Panama with structures around the world.
Do you want to become a happy investor?
That`s your choice That`s what you wish in the long run!

I`m happy and lucky, I started to take up real money with the help of this company,
and I invite you to do the same. If it gets down to select a proper companion who uses your money in a right way - that`s the AimTrust!.
I take now up to 2G every day, and my first deposit was 1 grand only!
It`s easy to join , just click this link
and go! Let`s take this option together to become rich

Anonymous said...

TraniaBoiff, clomid online Wemeobegino, [url=]buy clomid[/url] unlarattarm

Anonymous said...




[u][b]We can be found by these keywords:[/b][/u]
[url=]cupon casino europa [/url]
[url=]caesars palace casino [/url]
[url=]luxor casino resort [/url]
[url=]casino streep poker [/url]
[url=]casinos en las vegas [/url]
[url=]online casino site [/url]
[url=]cupon casino [/url]
[url=]casinos y bingos [/url]
[url=]planet hollywood casino [/url]
[url=]sexy casino online [/url]
[url=]no deposit instant casino bonus money [/url]
[url=]mississippi river casino boat [/url]
[url=]letra de casino [/url]
[url=]casino guide http a1 casino com [/url]
[url=]gaming club casino [/url]
[url=]the mirage casino [/url]
loteria y casinos resultado de la quiniela de argentina
[b]amargosa valley longstreet inn casino rv pk[/b]
online casino betting
vegas casino map
[b]pagina juego casino gratis[/b]
biloxi casino
[u]las vegas online casino[/u]
casino sport book
paris casino paris
[b]club de tenis casino[/b]
probabilidades casino
empleo casino argentina

Anonymous said...

woodsesty, levitra online, DinoEndorgo, levitra online, twepitiencisy, order levitra, thaccumence, levitra

Anonymous said...

chararorylarp, buy zyrtec, Carardykats, [url=]zyrtec[/url], Glaccerve

Anonymous said...

TexanyThync, viagra tramadol zithromax carisoprodol buy cialis, piluerryMer

Anonymous said...

Verduekssem, propecia online, spancenus, [url=]propecia[/url]

Anonymous said...

Good dispatch and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you as your information.

Anonymous said...

i have windows vista and my computer is fairly new. i don't have viruses (but i am prone to them) what can i do to get the computer going quick. i don't want anything to install because when my mom sees them, she gets fussy. [url=]santoramaa[/url]

Anonymous said...

i m not able to open and surf microsoft and microsoft related websites...... like and etc... but apart from "microsoft & microsoft related website",im able to open and surf all other websites..including antivirus websits.... on the advice given by other people in forums regarding "can't open microsoft website " as said by them i did complete virus scan with avg8 and 9 (updated definations) and complete malware,spyware and adware scan with super antispyware(updated definations) and spydoctor(updated definations) but no go and facing the same problem so i did complete system restore--->NO GO so i did fresh OS installisation-----NO GO and i facing the same problem can't open microsoft website in opera /IE 7&8/firefox please helpme regard and thanks in advance HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL... vichu [url=]santoramaa[/url]

Anonymous said... dongzak phillipines

Anonymous said...


[url=]What is/are Zovirax Tablets?[/url]
What are acyclovir tablets or capsules?
ACYCLOVIR (Zovirax®) treats certain types of viral infections, specifically herpes infections. Acyclovir
determination not mend herpes infections; it see fit relieve the sores rejuvenate faster and workers to release the pang or discomfort.
Now acyclovir is conceded to helper avert the infection from coming back. Acyclovir also treats shingles
and chickenpox infections. Generic acyclovir tablets and capsules are available.

What should I acquaint someone with something my fitness heedfulness provider in the vanguard I crook this medicine?
They need to recollect if you have any of these conditions:

•neurological disease
•kidney disorder
•seizures (convulsions)
•an unusual or allergic reaction to acyclovir, ganciclovir, valacyclovir, valganciclovir, other medicines, foods, dyes, or preservatives
•in the pudding club or vexing to receive pregnant


[url= ]Zovirax with no prescriptionscanadian Zovirax diet pills without prescription [/url]
buy Zovirax free consultationno prescription Zovirax with fedex
[url= ]Zovirax no script fedexonly Zovirax free consult [/url]
Zovirax without a scriptZovirax free fedex shipping
[url= ]order Zovirax with no prescriptionovernight delivery of Zovirax with no prescription [/url]
order Zovirax overnight codZovirax for sale
[url= ]generic Zovirax onlineZovirax no prescriptions needed cod [/url]
Zovirax saturday deliveryZovirax with saturday delivery
[url= ]Zovirax without prescription cheapZovirax overni [/url]
Zovirax online without presciptionbuy cheap Zovirax c.o.d.
[url= ]buy online Zovirax prescriptionsorder prescription Zovirax [/url]
cheap overnight Zoviraxonline Zovirax
[url= ]cheap fedex Zoviraxbuy Zovirax prescriptions [/url]
purchase Zovirax without a prescriptionZovirax Zovirax
[url= ]buy Zovirax hclbuy Zovirax online pharmacy [/url]
buy cheap discount Zoviraxcheap online Zovirax
[url= ]Zovirax online saturday deliveryZovirax overnight delivery only [/url]
buy Zovirax without a prescriptionbuy Zovirax no prescription needed
[url= ]120 Zovirax freepurchase Zovirax cod shipping [/url]
buy cheap Zovirax prescriptions onlinecheapest Zovirax cash on delivery

Anonymous said...

Good evening

We do not agree with this year BRIT awards decision.

Please go to see our little poll

Lady Gaga can not be better than Nina Hagen

Poll supported by BRIT awards 2010 sponsor femmestyle
[url=]brustvergr├Â├čerung preis[/url] - tickets left standing!! This Competition is now closed

Anonymous said...

NottSoona, buy viagra, Emorneror, buy viagra, FlalgeWheerve, vigrx, fluerderwal, vigrx, uttequich, penis enlargement, Baharonsrah, penis enlargement, Snagimmaphgax

Anonymous said...

Wonknorge,, GonteeneProky, byt valium online, lowlHetuela

Anonymous said...

Wonknorge,, GonteeneProky, byt valium online, lowlHetuela