Thursday, January 03, 2008

If Assholes Could Fly

Anyone care to take the over/under on number of times coworkers jokingly asked me to leave today's meeting? Anyone?


Number of times I blushed and smiled and chortled and rolled with it, all the time gritting my teeth and sarcastically thinking, "Oh, that's rich!"

8939 (I obsessed just a bit after the fact.)

Number of times I imagined that in a few short years, I will somehow catapult myself via ingenius innovation into corporate stardom and acquire gobs of money, and began this Vanity Fair article in my head: Well, years ago a more senior business associate kicked me out of a meeting. I didn't take it lying down. I used the humilation to fuel my ambition, and look at me now! I own him, And you, contributing reporter. Fetch me my martini!

Gah! Only twice.

Number of times I cruelly mocked J for douche-y blue tooth device? Number of times I pleaded with him not to walk around all damn day with that flashing light contraption hanging from his ear, anticipating his next very important mobile call?

A gajillion.

Number of blue tooths purchased by HomeValley last week?


Number of times I sashayed about Connecticut today, douche-y blue tooth dangling from my delicate earlobe?

Two. (It's just so damn convenient!)

I swear, I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize myself anymore.


Grace said...

I heart my bluetooth. My advice to you both: Keep your charger on you at all times. I got caught in a wretched moment when the battery died and my lazy head screamed "I seriously have to hold my phone right now?! It's like 9 ounces!"

Allie said...

My advice to you both: take off the bluetooth. now throw it in the trash and destroy all evidence that you once owned one. I am here for any support you need while doing this.

Grace said...

Sometimes I wear it in my sleep - just in case some one calls.

Anonymous said...

If you want some honest advice I would recommend also getting a belt clip for your phone. When you partner the Bluetooth headset with a phone snapped securely and prominently on your hip, you are instantly respected and everyone knows that you are awesome.

Grace said...


Homevalley said...

Truly brilliant!