Wednesday, October 07, 2009

You Might Be a Douchebag...

OMG, I love this article. LOVE. Love! Bless you, Spike!

Friends: we have here a list of the Top 10 Movies Douchebags Love.

And it is as awesome as one would expect.

Please, please tell me, sisters? Have you dated these guys? Did you marry this guy? The dude that loves all of these movies? Squee! I am so excited about this!

J doesn't love all of these movies, and generally, I don't find him particularly douchey. Nay, friends, I am afraid I am the douche in question here. One of these movies - at one time - well, I wrote - oh fuck - that it - aw hell - changed my life.

Yes. As you might have already suspected: I am a douche.

Now, to be fair to me, I took Garden State with me on my recent flight to Denver. And I popped it in my laptop, thrilled to be reconnecting with it. The film is an old friend, one that got me through some very tough times as an impressionable, soul-searchy l'il 25 year-old thing.

I finished it later that night in the guest room at Far-Mor and Far-Far's, and I was spectacularly umimpressed.

(I even told Grace as much, so she can totally back me up on this.)

It was just so... so obvious. And self-indulgent. And lo, the indie-ness of it all. Medieval times? Really? It is a quirk-tastic masterpiece, and it doesn't really work for me anymore. (Because... God! Okay, fine: here is the link. It really did help me though! Don't judge.)

Old School? Fight Club? Swingers? I dare you - dare you - to check Facebook profiles immediately. Let's experiment, shall we? All those friends we suspect are secretly douchebags? Let's put them to the test.

(Oh, and I cringed when I read about the Napoleon Dynamite quoting. Because, come on. I definitely told J recently not to be jealous that I've been chatting with babes online all day. I didn't even get the quote correct. Douche!)

What are other films that should be considered here? I am going to going to have to go ahead and raise you:
  • The Godfather, Parts 1 and 2 - Look, obviously cinematic masterpieces. But. Sigh. Complete douchebag fodder.

  • AMERICAN PSYCHO. If you are male, you probably love this movie. You probably think the scene with the business cards is hilarious! You probably love that fucking Phil Collins soliloquiy. Personally? I am deeply, deeply suspect of you. This film is grotesque, misogynistic, and tremendously troubling. (Challenge given. OK, dudes. Bring it.)

  • Goodfellas - I don't think I hate this movie. I don't really like it though. Ray Liotta creeps me out, and I'll never forget an awful evening in which my ex came in drunk and put it on, despite my eleven year-old brother being present. No one says "fuck" in front on my little bro except me, alright? And also, it coincides with d-bags generally loving any film to do with the mafia. (I love my husband because he doesn't understand or appreciate mafia movies. The only one he likes is Analyze This. And seriously, that movie kills him. It's adorable. Also, babe? We really should Netflix The Godfather one of these days.)

Oh, I also find it troubling - and possibly a bit douchey - when men won't see certain films because they are uncomfortable with the content (and by content, I mean homosexuality). Brokeback Mountain anyone? Milk? I am curious to see which men among you have seen these films, and will admit to enjoying them (well, enjoy might be a stretch. These films are pretty intense. How about appreciate?)

What movies did I miss?


Anonymous said...

I am glad that someone recognizes the douche-i-ness of Swingers. The whole movie is Vince Vaughn saying baby, baby, baby, hi baby, look baby, I’m a douche baby. Kind of like all his other movies, but we won’t get into that.

Old School is one of the greatest films of all time.

After I saw Garden State, I wanted to gouge my eyes out.


Grace said...

Oh she said it. And it was a good thing she said it electronically cause my face was like whaaaaa? To date, I stand by the glory and power of Garden State.

This negativity brings me down. I beesech thee: make a list of the Top 10 Movies Awesome People Love and look to for guidance and affirmation? Like Mean Girls, Wayne's World, and Beaches?

Anonymous said...

I am gonna have to question the legitimacy of this list. Now granted the Fast and the Furious is a clear candidate for a list like this, but Fight Club is a real guy movie. Maybe I am a d-bag when I go around at work and tell people that the first rule of this meeting is no talking during this meeting, but the movie itself is a classic. I think we should do a vote for movies that should really be in the d-bag category. I would say Fast Times at Ridgemont High (and I have never even seen it), Point Break, Bill and Teds Stupid Adventure, and Sideways should definitely be on that list. As for Swingers, ladies, you will never understand the genius.


Koos said...

Wow, I read this and realized I am 100% total douche bag... and I'm not even a dude. If I was, I'd probably be one of the biggest douche bags out there, complete with a fitted TapouT shirt, waxed eyebrows and giant tats on my arm.

the_real_jc said...

Hey House of Pain, I chat with babes online all day. I'm serious! You got a problem wit it? What is this? Boyz in the Hood?

I'm pretty sure I got some of those quotes wrong, but Swingers is top 5of all time...

Anonymous said...

I've got to disagree with the final couple lines of your post...the whole thing about Milk and Brokeback...isn't it equally annoying that people won't criticize and actually claim to like those movies simply because they are about homosexuality? I mean, Milk is a great story, but Sean Penn is arguably one of the top 5 douches of all time. Seriously, the guy tried to promote his personal image after the Katrina disaster, he's got the Madonna thing, pretty much every movie he has ever made he plays himself, and he is a huge douche. Look it up, there are records for this kind of stuff and he is guilty.

Brokeback, come on, watch the movie, it was made to win an Oscar, the only thing it was missing was Meryl Streep for goodness sake! It is not a good movie, it is a second rate love story that is propped up by homosexuality. Two gay cowboys? Seriously, the over-embellished family tension, the guilt, it is just so over done. Gays, straights, who cares, just make a good movie, don't try and use a controversial topic to promote and sell movie tickets. It is difficult to make my point here because it is a topic that everyone likes to go polar on, but the fact of the matter is when you look at the movie for what it is, its not very good. Oh, and Heath Ledger's acting is horrible, the homosexual scene's did not lead to his tortured drug use, it was his acting, c-mon, cowboys are not as dull as that guy, and gay cowboys, even closet ones, have a little more personality than that piece of wood.

Heh, heh, he said wood.

I do agree with you with regards to guys acting like they don't like something because of the perception that someone around won't think it is "cool", like a move about gay cowboys for instance. If you can't be yourself, regardless of your surroundings, within reason at least, that is a pretty big douche flag. But saying that you don't like a movie because it has homosexuality and saying you don't like a movie because it actually sucks, are two different things. I have to applaud people that actually have the guts to criticize social phenomenons that are in fact not warranted.

Look at the movie American Beauty as a perfect example. No one, and I mean, NO ONE, went to see it when it hit theaters. It lasted a week before it was pulled out of theaters. But the powers that be, put it on the Oscar list and it won. So then everyone went and saw it, because Hollywood told them it was good, and they all came back with this newfound appreciation for its artistic greatness. People, that movie sucks, it is horrible and that is why no one went to see it in the first place. Don't change your opinion because the Academy tells you to do so, the movie is horrible, just let it go.

Now the movie Crash, that is a movie that should be a prerequisite for life. You should have to see it every year of your life until the day you die, just to remind you of what is and could be and the reality of the world that we live in today. It would make the world a better place. It won the Oscar over Brokeback Mountain because it was a far superior movie about a true to life series of issues that all of us are affected by on a daily basis. Every single aspect of that movie was powerful and disturbingly accurate. The other movie tried to rely on homosexuality to win it an Award. Not gonna happen, thankfully enough people stood up and said, I don't like Brokeback Mountain because it is a movie about homosexual relationships, that isn't any good.

Did I mention that Sean Penn is a douche?

Drew P Dillon said... This hurts in the cockels (sp?) of my heart. I can't even

I think we are using D Bag way to loosely here (teehee). First, American Psycho and Fight Club are two amazingly written novels which were then made into two of the most faithfull adaptation you could produce from such hard to film and explain content. So back up.

And to like Godfather 1 and 2 is douchy? What the what? Is it douchy to like Starry Night or To Kill a Mockingbird because they are masterpieces? Barf on that.

I agree with Garden State, the soundtrack is better then the movie.