Wednesday, September 20, 2006

HomeValley: The "A" in "Adult" Stands for "Ass."

This fall, I am resolved to resemble an actual grown-up. I define "grown-up" as someone who actually sends things for actual occasions. Like birthdays. And wedding showers. And births of actual babies.

What has precipitated this new resolution?

Exhibit A:

Friend Dee just got married, and had a wedding shower months ago. Grace and I were both going to be out-of-state, so we neglected to attend. (Aside: Our mothers, who were in attendance, mused that perhaps we felt slighted at not being asked to be bridesmaids, and thus decided not to attend in protest. I assure you: we're just assholes.)

A grown-up would visit the wedding registry, would ooh and aah over dainty china place settings and tea sets. (Aside: Tea sets?? Do brides even ever request these? Why have I never seen a wedding registry?!?!) A grown goddamn woman would pick something lovely, and, in preparation of her absence at the event, would make sure the lovely thing was mailed and gift-wrapped and there to be opened in front of the many lovely shower guests.

But what would I do? I would pick up a Home Depot gift card a week after the party when J dragged me to the store to buy some fancy tool or another. I would also unceremoniously hand it to Dee as she lounged on a hotel room bed sipping Coors Light at her bachelorette party. (Aside: Oh, and Grace? She'd do almost the same, except she'd purchase the Home Depot gift card at Wawa.)

Exhibit B:

A coworker's wife had a baby. I was quite friendly with the Syracuse-based coworker, had even had dinner with his wife, so when Baby came along, I went out and bought something to send the bouncing boy. A grown-up would send something, no? I purchased a Phillies onesie and an Eagles bib for the kid. Said Phillies onesie and Eagles bib sat gloriously untouched on the makeshift bar in my foyer for a year. (Aside: The liquor most certainly did not.) I finally tossed them. WTF?

Exhibit C:

I've regifted.

Grown-ups don't do this! I regifted for another friend's wedding shower (and this was a damn nice Vera Wang gift, mind you) because I needed something in a pinch. And the punishment for regifting, should you not know, is agonizing for weeks over the possibility that you mistakenly left the original card in the box. Perhaps a note: "Dear HomeValley, You're an ass but here's this Vera Wang china anyway. Love, X" still lingers in the folds of the tissue paper?

Exhibit D:

Grace's birthday, 3 weeks ago. I knew she wanted a Fry Daddy. (Aside: She's funny like that.) So I remembered to pick up a card for her, but neglected to actually send the Fry Daddy. Thinking quickly, I scribbled: "Dear Grace, Love you lots! Happy happy! Fry Daddy in mail! Love Always, HV."

Grace, immediately: You didn't order this.

HomeValley, feigning shock: I did! I'm insulted, Grace. Honestly.

September 20th, 2006 says: HomeValley, you still have not ordered that fucking Fry Daddy.

(Aside: I totally sent it today.)


Anonymous said...

These are the things that make you so fabulous!!!! Dont ever change - YOU are wonderful!!!!!!!! This is just ONE of the reasons we LOVE you!!!
- J. Spano

the_real_jc said...

Again with the cursing....