Thursday, December 04, 2008

Welcome to the Bitter Barn!

Since Festivus is upon us, I think it is high time that we begin the traditional "airing of greivances" that comes along with this age-old, Seinfeldian holiday.

I'll start, okay?

I really, really believe, with my whole heart and soul and mind and being, that mass-emailed letters for "job opportunities" are the absolutest lamest method for contacting a prospective candidate, and they sort of make me hate the Internet. I am not some chump, Mass Emailed Letters for "Job Opportunities"! I am an actual, thinking, living, working person, who is frankly insulted by any form of communication that begins: "Dear Candidate". Asshole.

Yesterday, I did some light job-searching on Careerbuilder. I found an opportunity that looked somewhat appealing amidst all of the sewage that recruitment companies and scam artists post. And lo! The ad copy read: No online or emailed applications. We believe you are more than just your resume. Call our HR department directly, at...

Angels began an Hallelujah chorus in my mind's soundtrack. I called immediately. The conversation went like this:

"Dave": Hello! Are you calling about the ad online?

HV, smiling: Yes! I am interested in X opportunity!

"Dave": Wonderful! Let me just ask you some questions. Name? Email? Address? Background? Degree?

HV answers all that is asked, delighted at "Dave's" attentiveness.

"Dave": OK, we are a firm representing many Fortune 500 companies in the area. I am going to send you a packet to fill out and get back to us. We do background screening for these companies first, and then we'll set you up with a floppity-jillion interviews and you'll make $500,000 in your first 3 months. And the best part is, it only costs you $29!

HV, dejectedly: Wait... You want me to pay you $29? Isn't your fee typically provided by the client?

"Dave", condescendingly: Is $29 a problem for you?

HV, sarcastically: No, "Dave", I can afford it. I have just never heard of such a thing.

"Dave": Well, we have to pre-screen for our clients!

HV, resignedly: Well, you can send me the packet and I'll take a look.

"Dave": Fantastic. Now, would you like to pay by debit or credit card?

HV, angrily: Seriously, "Dave"? I don't know you from Adam, and you want me to give you my credit card information?

"Dave", smugly: Call us when you're ready. [Hangs up abruptly.]

Which brings me to my next grievance: I fucking hate "Dave".

And the "Economy".

And the potential threat of losing my livelihood.

To name just a few.

J came home yesterday afternoon to find his glum wife bemoaning her career future. And that husband of mine? Who is awesome? Talked me off the ledge. We came up with FIVE possible solutions! And we made budgets! And by the time I hightailed it to the Olive Garden to meet mom and Gina for dinner (yes, the frugality starts tomorrow), my future prospects seemed a hell of a lot better.

And I will leave "Dave" to "Karma".

And at this time, I would appreciate it if you too would hop into the Bitter Barn with me. What are some of your year-end grievances?


the_real_jc said...

Ahhhh, an orlando vs. hemdal-orlando budget summit. I can only imagine it rivaled the reagan-mondale debates of the 80's.... and I'm sure you still came out of it w/o HBO.

Homevalley said...

Ha! HBO is but a distant dream for me.

Matt said...

My grievance is with the dude behind the counter at (insert name of any quick, crappy food place here). Why is it that every time I'm standing 20 feet away from the counter with my neck arched staring at the menu, he feels the need to stand at the register and ask "Can I help you?"

Yeah, it would help me if you gave me 30 seconds to look at the menu without making me feel like I'm holding you up from some urgent matter, important matter. Refilling the ketchup can wait a minute.

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