Holy Shit! Heavens to Mergatroid!

Reason Number 734789 why weddings are evil: Both J and I completely forgot that this week marked our second anniversary. What. The. Fuck. Weddings! I will destroy you!

So because I am such an asshat and forgot all about our special day (and you will also hear from me when you get home today, J), I will have to post what I wrote for J on our last anniversary. Slightly edited (you don't get the really good stuff, Internet!)

My Dearest J, Larry, Orlandi, J-Mix Master Money:

One idle Friday morning, about a year ago, I was relaxing in my 3rd Avenue office, trying to invent ways to pass the time until happy hour. While browsing through my Hotmail contacts, I stumbled across your email address and was overpowered by an urge to say hello.

Now, an innocuous email has seemingly altered the course of my life; has changed it for the better in more ways than I can possibly count. Today, it is difficult to imagine my life before J-Money.

I am upping the ante on your 50 reasons, and I will now divulge 100 reasons why I think you are the greatest thing since Kelly Clarkson:

1. You are always patient with me, like when I accidentally break all the glasses in the apartment and you have to clean up the glass and then tend to my wounds with Band-aids and Neosporin.
3. You always keep your word. That’s amazingly rare.
4. You inspire me to keep my word.
5. You are cute when you “admire” your work.
6. You are unfailingly selfless.
8. You listen to me, even when I go on about books/roaches/mice/people/reality TV shows/Kelly Clarkson.
9. You have integrity.
10.You follow the rules on planes explicitly.
11.You always ask “How are you?” and I always believe you are actually interested to hear.
12.You work hard.
13.You are self-confident.
14.You buy me flowers for no reason.
15.You grin and bear when I order expensive martinis.
16.You want to see the world.
17.You will take me along with you.
18.You put up with my hypochondriac tendencies.
20.You love your family.
21.You always try to do the right thing.
22.You help your friends with their houses.
23.You help me with cleaning and organizing.
24.You encourage me.
25.You are responsible.
26.You want to have babies, and unfortunately our son will probably be named “Amani.”
27.I can rest assured that Violet and Amani are getting the best father on the planet.
28.You realize I am stubborn and independent, and you let me be that way often.
29.You tell me the truth.
30.I know you will always be faithful to me, even if you are an incessant dream-cheater.
31.You make time for all of the people in your life.
32.You always make sure we make plans together.
34.You know how to do everything.
35.I get to teach you the big words.
36.You are teaching me to be more sensitive, which can’t hurt.
37.You watch chick flicks with me.
38.You buy me ice cream.
39.You leave the Cheerios and bowl out for me.
40.You lock the door when you leave and I am sleeping.
41.You make my lunch.
42.You let me cry.
43.A hug from you can make it better.
44.You made Greece and Paris (edited in 2007 to say: and Thailand and Cambodia and Colorado and North Wildwood) the most amazing adventure.
45.You love me even when I am cranky.
47.You support me always.
48.You know that we need to discuss problems when they come up, even if I am reluctant. This means we have no lingering resentments. What is better than that?
49.We want the same kind of wedding. (Edited in 2007 to say: WEDDINGS! I WILL KILL YOU!)
50.It makes me incredibly happy to make you laugh.
51.You are absolutely gorgeous and perfect the way that you are.
52.We hold hands all the time.
55.You always assure me I am the most beautiful woman in the room.
56.I always feel like the most beautiful woman in the room when I am with you.
57.You are incredibly chivalrous.
58.You went and told my ex about us. It must have been terribly difficult and uncomfortable, yet you did it and you didn’t complain about it and you got through it. All to be with me.
59.You know what you like and what you don’t like immediately. You’ve got convictions.
60.You think many of my annoying habits are “cute.” (For now!) (Edited in 2007 to say: Yeah. Um, not so much. Anymore.)
61.We can act like kids together.
62.We can act like adults together.
63.Your family is wonderful and I feel completely at home with them.
64.You had Nana make me a blanket!
65.You always tell me you love me.
66.You respect me.
67.You respect my opinions.
68.We watch the Eagles together in our jerseys.
69.You are passionate.
70.Your heart has grown many sizes since we got together.
71.You are not afraid to have difficult conversations with people.
72.You are a true gentleman.
73.Even if you fart a lot on poor, unsuspecting bar patrons.
74.You love the beer garden! So do I.
75.You deal with me being a little jealous every now and then.
76.I can count on you. For anything.
77.We are buddies.
78.We are partners. You treat me as such.
79.Together, we form an unstoppable force of knowledge about all kinds of subjects.
80.We both kinda suck at math. And that’s okay.
81.You are good at your job.
82.You are good at everything.
83.People come to you for advice.
84.I never have to doubt how you feel about me. You are always reminding me in sweet ways.
85.Sinking into bed with you for a nap is the most beautiful feeling.
86.You rub my head sometimes when I have a bad dream.
87.You sing or whistle in the mornings.
88.You are not afraid to admit when you are wrong.
89.You apologize.
90.You tell me that I need to do both more often, and you are probably right.
91.You know how much my brother means to me, and you want to have him over for a weekend.
92.You think Bucky is humorous.
93.You understand why Churd is amazing.
94.You often ask “What can I do for you?” You always try to make me comfortable.
95.The massages. They are heavenly.
96.You really are a dreamboat. I did win the prize.
97.You have a picture of me on your desk. It makes me happy to know that.
98.You take the time to look me in the eyes and tell me you love me.
99.You will put up with my friends and even like some of them.
100. This list was unbelievably easy to write, and I am sure I could go on to 1000.

J, you really are a rock star.

Love Always,

Your HomeValley

Internet, you are free to go vomit now.